Accepting the vagaries of daily life may be a constant battle. Here’s the way to fix it, before you get sick.
Sometimes all it takes may be a click to comprehend that dominant everything is not possible. “When i used to be younger, I lived with a friend, and at some point I told her that she was doing the dishes wrong. She replied sedately that there have been one hundred fifty ways that to clean the dishes which I solely knew one,” remembers Nicole Bordeleau. Associate in Nursing innocuous very little phrase that nonetheless quietly crystal rectifier the author, speaker, and founding father of YogaMonde to be told to abandoning. “I suppose this nice want for management features a ton to try and do with anxiety and disposition.”
Anxiety and disposition area unit so the most sources of the necessity for management. “This want is natural, even essential, to our survival, explains the man of science Camillo Zacchia, a specialist in anxiety disorders. as an example, after we drive, we wish to be on top of things, as a result of we do not need to own Associate in Nursing accident. however we tend to conjointly grasp that there’s a definite risk related to driving over that we’ve got no management. a really anxious person can have nice issue tolerating this risk or won’t tolerate it the least bit and can avoid driving. consistent with the specialist, the necessity for management is usually coupled to a risk: accident, failure, the judgment of others, concern of not being up thereto, etc. And this risk, for dominant folks (often noted as control freaks), takes on disproportionate proportions exactly owing to|thanks to|attributable to} shallow anxiety which might be the result of a trauma, of fogeys themselves, dominant, or a major lack of confidence and vanity. ..
During her elementary and school, Sophie was usually the butt of different youngsters owing to her blubber. The 35-year-old believes that is an enormous a part of why she’s an expert compulsive nowadays. “I felt like I wasn’t adequate for therefore long that my reaction was to become the simplest at my job,” says Sophie. For this reason, she doesn’t count the hours and ensures that her work continuously exceeds expectations. particularly his, that area unit terribly high. “I grasp i am a control freak, however it’s stronger than Pine Tree State. My sexual activity is neutral, my social life isn’t wealthy. solely my work offers Pine Tree State the sensation that I actually have my life in hand.”
A feeling that, however, results in an extreme level of stress. “What’s stressful isn’t so much doing what I have to do as having to deal with unplanned events or new things,” says Sophie. An affirmation that could also be appropriated by all those who are obsessed with control, guided by the acute demands they have on themselves… and often on others as well. “Many people who feel this great need for control will refuse to venture into uncharted territory because they don’t know if they will succeed,” says Gorden Flett, a professor in the Department of Psychology at York University in Toronto, who has practiced perfectionism as his favorite subject. According to the expert, while not all control freaks are systematically perfectionists, on the other hand, all perfectionists are control freaks. “These people have built-in often unrealistic standards and they put excessive pressure on themselves to achieve them,” he says. Often, they demand the same from others, which does not make them the most popular people!” An example? According to a study published in 2014 by the American employment agency Accountemps, 68% of employees whose boss was controlling said that their morale was affected and 55% answered that they were less productive because of the attitude of their boss. superior. actually not the most popular people!” An example? According to a study published in 2014 by the American employment agency Accountemps, 68% of employees whose boss was controlling said that their morale was affected and 55% answered that they were less productive because of the attitude of their boss. superior. actually not the most popular people!” An example? According to a study published in 2014 by the American employment agency Accountemps, 68% of employees whose boss was controlling said that their morale was affected and 55% answered that they were less productive because of the attitude of their boss. superior.
Significant impacts
The repercussions of this way of being form a rather disturbing spectrum. “When a control freak manages to control, he feels relieved,” says Camillo Zacchia. But if he can’t, then he experiences a lot of stress, frustration, and anger.” Thus, Sophie accumulates sleepless nights where anxiety makes her dangle the worst scenarios: what if she did not manage to complete such a task, if she did not manage to satisfy such a client, etc? Hypotheses, for a person who does not need as much control over events, are not at all dramatic. “For me, it takes on a disproportionate scale, I know, says Sophie. But I have such a phobia of losing control! It seems to me that the price to pay for maintaining control is still less than the price I would pay if I thought I had failed. And what would that price be? A feeling of incurable devaluation, according to her.
“People WHO ought to be up to the mark perpetually stick out the worry of failing,” says Nicole Bordeleau. i do know that from expertise. I additionally assume that the requirement to regulate one’s life may be a process that solely intensifies over time if nothing is finished to induce eliminate it or, at the terribly least, lessen it. management becomes how of defensive oneself against adversity, against all that one cannot management. how to fight against the chaos of our lives. “A person experiencing a tragedy, the malady of a lover, as an example, could suddenly feel the requirement to exercise full management over alternative aspects of his life, explains Gordon Flett. this is often traditional, and this behavior could briefly facilitate that person by creating them feel she continues to be mistress of her life.” But within the future, the results aren’t comforting. within the most serious cases, the requirement to regulate everything is even related to neurotic personalities, in keeping with the University Institute in psychological state of Quebec. once to sound the alarm? “Two signs that don’t lie: once this ought to management everything causes nice suffering to the person and prevents him from going regarding his daily activities commonly. And once this behavior has harmful consequences on the health of the dominant person and on his relations along with his relatives or on his work, ”says Camillo Zacchia. the requirement to regulate everything is even related to neurotic personalities, in keeping with the University Institute in psychological state of Quebec. once to sound the alarm? “Two signs that don’t lie: once this ought to management everything causes nice suffering to the person and prevents him from going regarding his daily activities commonly. And once this behavior has harmful consequences on the health of the dominant person and on his relations along with his relatives or on his work, ”says Camillo Zacchia. the requirement to regulate everything is even related to neurotic personalities, in keeping with the University Institute in psychological state of Quebec. once to sound the alarm? “Two signs that don’t lie: once this ought to management everything causes nice suffering to the person and prevents him from going regarding his daily activities commonly. And once this behavior has harmful consequences on the health of the dominant person and on his relations along with his relatives or on his work, ”says Camillo Zacchia.
Letting go: a necessity
The thanks to go once you are a compulsive is to jettisoning. the primary step to achieving this is often recognizing the matter. “If we have a tendency to ar ready to acknowledge that we’ve an excellent want for management, the matter is already 0.5 solved , assures Nicole Bordeleau. i do know however troublesome the notion of property go is for a dominant person to integrate, however he should tell himself that property go isn’t resigning himself, however rather acting otherwise to permit a state of affairs to “breathe “, to evolve.” Because an effect freak typically imagines the worst: if she doesn’t manage to arrange such a factor in such how, the globe can collapse. Point. it’s only if the worst is avoided that she manages, very little} by little, to jettisoning of the ballast.
Of course, this doesn’t happen nightlong. Sometimes, the utilization of a scientist is helpful. “The best thanks to have sex is to begin property go of the insignificant things,” suggests Camillo Zacchia. For example, relegating tasks that aren’t too vital.” We entrust the laundry to our significant other, we have a tendency to raise a colleague to open the mail, we have a tendency to let our friend select the building wherever we are going to eat… By way of seeing that the world doesn’t open beneath our feet on every occasion ‘we jettisoning, we are going to be a lot of apt to simply accept bigger challenges: a file passed on to our colleague, a spontaneous road trip, associate outing while not our management for the youngsters, etc. “And, of course, we have a tendency to should notice and settle for that every person has their own manner of doing things, recollects Nicole Bordeleau. that if somebody will one thing his manner, that isn’t ours, that’s OK.” The yoga master has learned to relax, to let things go, thanks especially to the current discipline.
“But there are a thousand ways to relax,” she says. Dance, breathing, sport… Anything that allows us to disconnect from our thoughts and be calm. All the work done with the aim of calming down will be infinitely rewarding: the pleasure, the joy of living, and the realization that life not only brings its share of unpredictable events but also very nice surprises. Anything that allows us to disconnect from our thoughts and be calm. All the work done with the aim of calming down will be infinitely rewarding: the pleasure, the joy of living, and the realization that life not only brings its share of unpredictable events but also very nice surprises. Anything that allows us to disconnect from our thoughts and be calm. All the work done with the aim of calming down will be infinitely rewarding: the pleasure, the joy of living, and the realization that life not only brings its share of unpredictable events but also very nice surprises.
TESTIMONIALS
“My friends often tell me that I’m a control freak, especially when it comes to my health and my appearance. I hardly ever go to restaurants or even to my friends because I have no control over what is on my plate. I exercise every day and I take care of my skin, my hair, my nails, my clothes… I don’t leave the house if I haven’t arranged it. Knowing that I’m on top of my game and that I look flawless gives me a feeling of power, and I like that. And even if my friends make fun of me, I suspect they envy me!” – Anik, 32 years old
“It was experience and maturity that led me to let go of several things. Today, the idea that I could give so much importance to filling the dishwasher or organizing a picnic makes me laugh. I think my change in attitude is linked to the arrival of my children. Today, my values are centered on the importance of having good relationships with others and no longer on the fact that everything must always go smoothly. Life is a bit of chaos. And this is very well so.” – Lucia, 44 years old
“When there is an event to organize, I am always the one who takes charge. Because what bothers me the most are people jerking off. With me, there is no-nonsense, and I know that everything will be impeccable. The only downside is that I always find myself the official organizer because everyone trusts me. It’s a bit heavy.” – Claudie, 28 years old
“It was my 23-year-old daughter who made me realize how controlling I was, especially with my husband. I often complained that he didn’t do anything right, that he was always wrong, and that I always had to take care of everything. One day my daughter had had enough and told me my four truths. It shook me, but I understood that she was right. That I had been trying for years to want my husband to do things my way. Since then, I try not to criticize him anymore and I accept that I do not have the truth. – Ghislaine, 60 years old
“A friend encouraged me to go kayaking, telling me that it would do me good. Basically, what she really wanted to tell me was: “Will you get out of your head and relax a bit!” And it worked! Being on the water, in nature, connected to my body, helped me realize what a bundle of nerves I was who wanted to control everything! Today, I am zen… or almost!” Christina, 40 years old
